Monday, June 25, 2012
Well it's been some time since a real post from yours truly. I was at the gym Saturday and saw some faces I hadn't seen in a long while. Of course some conversation ensued and while it was more than I bargained for; it was not unfamiliar.
Guy one, I will refer to as "Shredded" came to me smiling saying "well I did it…" He would never really say what it was that he had done but I assumed it had something to do with a female he used to workout with. After cornering him, I decided I was way wrong; or at least the more pressing issue was far more intense. He continued to relate that his twin brother had passed (deceased). In my heart, I assumed him to be angry with God and was filled with rage after doing the sincere prayer thing, but God never came up. Instead, he was angry with his brother. He said they were never really that close but when they did speak it was like old times and no time had passed between visits.
By reflex, I did a quick consoling prayer with him…nothing wierd or attention getting. Then the walls came crumbling down one stone by the tens. As his disclosure continued, he had to walk away. He said he couldn't do this now; not here. I completely understood. I told him that I would always be around. I told him I understood the rage. I understood the absence. I understood the walls and why they needed to be preserved. I understood that some things need to be left to their own timing. We nodded at each other from across the room with glassy eyes and the brooding rage daring to spill out but I stuck mine back into the iron. Yes, I know the iron doesn't care or feel; but maybe thats just what I needed, maybe what he needed to escape or experience momentary freedom. Unanswerable questions have ways of worming into the back of your mind and leaving gaping holes. As for the rage, well I think I'm glad its there. It keeps me taking the next step and moves me from immobilization. Those who have gone on are where they are, even if that might be nowhere. If they could have sent a sign, I know they would have…which leaves more questions than answers. Hence, back to the iron. The pain of exertion is better than the numbness of confusion and the abyss of absence.
I look forward to our next conversation. Shredded, much like myself is always perceived as one of those happy go lucky types always smiling…but if they only knew….
Blog of note accidentally found while looking for an arresting image: Composing My Life.