Thursday, December 04, 2008

Haunted by Ourselves....

haunted reflections




I was talking with an old friend last nite as I sat in front of my computer screen listening to the rain falling on the roof outside. We go way back and he still lives in the town we went to highschool in. After catching me up on his life and some big decisions we joked about my return to that same town. We laughed briefly afterwhich; I admitted that I had considered it. That was shocking to both of us. Its a fair city but its full of ghosts for me. It would seem now that I'm not there that most were self inflicted hauntings probably brought on by my own inferiority complexes and not being comfortable in my own skin. Luckily all thats changed now (I think so at least). He spoke of a hello someone had passed along from our old highschool days. I laughed and replied that nobody ever talked to me in school...how does he even know who I am? Despite my silent ackwardnesses, I had been at least memorable. Not being a jock, musician or bad boy had its privlidges...solitude.


He had spent time telling his son what an incredible artist I had been. Indeed looking back, I suppose I was. He had requested that I draw something for his son. Of course I laughed. My response was buried in excuses and ramblings about how long I had even held just a pencil in my grasp for something other than writing out a bill or check. His response was of memories of things done at the drop of a hat that were long since dead or at best mummified beyond reanimation.


I dont know that I became who I ever meant to be. I dont know who I would be except me. I dont know what they saw then thats visible or invisible now. I do know, despite the ghosts, I am me. I am happy inside my skin...very. I do know that we daily make amends with the past even when its not in front of us anymore. Trace Adkins' song "You're Gonna Miss This" was on the radio on the commute in. It seems that I knew all the words. Yeah, I miss that. I'm gonna want that back, I'm gonna wish those days hadnt gone by so fast....but I'm working hard at enjoying every now while I'm in this moment; happy, thankful, joyful and always pondering...


!!!
M

1 comment:

Andrew Stanfield said...

I'm not sure I've ever read a better description of the anticipation, and the uneasiness, of going back home. I'm about to make the trip myself and I'm experiencing those same emotions. Brave of you to put it out there and perfectly written.