Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Lust for Darkness

I stood outside myself and watched me
in the mirror peering back...all of them...

I was reading a friend's blog concerning our lust for the overwhelming power of the darkside and the struggle to control or manage its allure. It was something that I understood perfectly. Like the instruments in a grand symphony, the dark forces have played their melodic tones in the core of my being since before I knew who or that they were there. I "assume" that everyone has them or has heard their sirens.

I know for me that I seriously doubt that I would have survived without them; or at least that is how they have convinced me. I grew up a nerd with almost no friends and relatives might as well have been enemies. In fact, comic books were my only friends for a very long time. Other than church, there were very few places I ever felt at home and even that didn't last much longer. The only people I got along with were my teachers ... people who usually much older than I; guess I am an 'old soul.' I noticed after several years of bullying and solitude, a great rage had grown without notice. The years of helpless nerddom had created its own savior down deep, fueled by the graciousness of the darkside. The darkside never ask me to jump through any hoops or hold my tongue to the left or seek it out after hours or days need. It was always easily available with a welcoming embrace. Even now the words smatter my mind before I can type them, urgently bouncing like hail against the inside of tender fingertips to get out before the freedom to do so is gone.

The good news is still the "Good News"! I continue to assimulate the dark energy into light energy. I do believe in good; bad is just easier. Over time I have strived to not hate—but somethings will always be on that list including laziness, sloth, noncommittment, victimizing the innocent, etc.

Door closing...... I think I am empty or at least ending this one...too many memories coming back. L. Ron Hubbard was right on with Dianetics. We are who we started out and maybe we never get over it...we just get better at hiding it from ourselves.